Stepmom:  do you find that your stepdaughter has a hard time sharing her dad with you?  Over the course of several years, I worked out a harmonious relationship with my stepdaughter.  But it wasn’t without its mis-steps.  Much of what I went through is common to stepmoms who have stepdaughters.  See the full article in StepmomSOS

In Creating a Successful Stepfamily’s online meeting last night, we discussed some methods for handling the touchy issue of control, and how it relates to the stepmom’s relationship with her partner, her stepkids, and their mom.  It was a real eye-opener for some of the stepmoms in the class.  Knowledge is power, and this knowledge has the power to keep a marriage together when the pressures of stepfamily life are threatening to cave it in.  Read the comments of one of the stepmoms about it in today’s post: www.StepmomSOS.com/the-stepmom’s-role.

Also, want to give you some great news:  StepmomMag, the premier magazine for Stepmom’s, is holding a March Madness Special- get 23 issues for the price of 12!  Watch for my debut as a regular contributor to StepmomMag.  Here’s a link:

Stepmom SOS Course

To find out more and to register for this 6-week webinar go to www.StepmomSOS.com

“Anyone who removes misunderstanding between two people brings in peace to the situation, and helps the world come closer to unity.”  When I heard this quote in a church service, I got chills up my spine.  The realization hit me that the family is a microcosm of the world, and the fact that the world is in conflict every place you look, may well be related to the stepfamily phenomenon.  It is estimated that in 2010, the number of stepfamilies will surpass the number of first families – at least in the U.S.

The proliferation of new books, articles and Facebook groups and pages indicates that stepfamilies are struggling.  The divorce rate of remarriages with children (most estimates are over 60%, some are as high as 70%) certainly indicates that stepfamilies are struggling.  It’s very unfortunate, from my perspective, that there is practically no training available for new remarriages with children.  A number of states require classes in co-parenting through the divorce process – and that’s a very good thing- but it happens too early in the process to do the good it could do.  I’ve sat through some of those classes to educate myself.  The parents going through them are still too angry, still too embroiled in the divorce process itself, to really hear the excellent points made.  And it doesn’t address the next phase of life – remarriage and the formation of a stepfamily – and research indicates that 75% of people remarry after divorce.

Where did you get your training to be in a stepfamily?  Same place I did, I’m guessing – the school of hard knocks.  That’s why there’s been a break in these posts.  I went into hibernation.  I continued to work as a stepfamily coach; I continued to study.  I was actually doing alot of writing, but I didn’t post in this blog.  I had a sense I was on to something… and now I feel like I’ve “got it”:  a clear process for stepfamilies to go through, whether they are newly formed or “in the mire”, to shorten the learning curve.  The truth is, stepfamilies operate by a different set of rules than do first families.  And the fact that no one gets trained on those rules creates a whole boatload of troubles. Thus, the high divorce rate and the protracted period of pain, even for families who do make it through the development process for stepfamilies.

I believe in the power of visualization, and I started to search for an image that could carry me forward, and that would draw people to get the training they need.  I came up with the image of the lighthouse – it seems that the experience of being in a stepfamily is often much like being on a storm-tossed sea – and stepmoms are looking for a beacon to guide them into safe harbor.   As I practiced this visualization, I could feel more and more that that beacon of light and love could transform misunderstanding through the light of wisdom.  I saw myself providing an opportunity for families to have a safe and secure place,  to be given a map to follow.  And I believe that a large number can find their way by following the map, and using it to navigate the choppy waters.  For those who need more, I am partnering with other professionals (therapists, coaches, authors and more) to provide other services needed.  We all share a passion for helping stepfamilies succeed.

Please go to the new site www.StepmomSOS.com.  You’ll find excellent articles, guidance, and a an opportunity to register for the course Creating a Successful Stepfamily.

To have happy holidays, put flexibility in the mix!

The holiday season is traditionally filled with joy, bonding and get-togethers – and can be a challenging time for stepfamilies. Agreeing on how to juggle between two sets of traditions, and two homes for the holidays – can set off tensions that have been simmering before the “joyous season” arrived.. Remember to be easy on yourself! Look at whether there are any expectations you can release, and focus on any aspects of harmony or agreement you can find. Flexibility and creativity are the keys to making the holidays work. As my children have gotten older, I’ve started to ask them what holiday traditions are important to them – often it’s simpler than what I had in mind, and quieter. I have less frustration to deal with now, because I’m not trying to impose my ideas of Christmas on them. A little negotiation and communication, and letting go, can go a long way to making holidays more relaxing. In a stepfamily, know that the holidays will change and you’ll be creating something new that will work better for all.  If you are willing to modify your image of a perfect holiday, you can save yourself a good bit of disappointment!

Quote:  “Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success” – origin unknown

Watch for Upcoming Changes and My New Course!

I’m in the middle of re-designing my site and my image – it’s been taking a while, and so I haven’t been quite ready to write as much… I think you’ll find it worth the wait, though. And chart your course for success, with the upcoming six-week online class “Creating a Successful Stepfamily”. Details to follow soon! For those who have registered your interest ahead of time, I appreciate you and your patience – all good things take time (like building a successful stepfamily!)

Being a stepmom is arguably the most difficult and demanding position in the stepfamily.  In Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin provides an excellent survey of the research on stepfamilies, which indicates that stepdads are more easily accepted than stepmoms, and that they don’t struggle to the same extent with their role.

Being a stepmom has a heavy cultural overlay that must be overcome if she is to meet with love, acceptance or even basic respect; and that is the stereotype of the Wicked Stepmother.  The evil stepmother is a well-known character in fairy tales going back centuries – Cinderella, Snow White and Hansel and Gretel, to name just a few.  Because this myth is embedded in the subconscious mind of our culture, it is often assumed by the children in a new stepfamily to have some truth in it.  Too often, when the word “stepmother” is uttered, the first word associated with it, subconsciously, is a scary or negative term.

If the father of the children remains passive when his child or children act with resentment or hostility towards her, that’s when being a stepmom can result in her association with the myth of the evil stepmother becoming “hard-wired”.  That’s when the kids feel justified in their opinion of the stepmother, since his not backing her up is taken as tacit approval of (or agreement with) their behavior.  True, the biological dad may be feeling a good deal of conflict about being stuck in the middle between his wife and his child(ren) – and perhaps his ex as well.  But this conflict must be faced and worked through, otherwise the chances of this stepfamily’s success will decline, as this situation spirals downward.

Being a stepmom is a thankless job, too.  If there is a joint custody situation, she’s often expected to do all the things that their mom would do (carting the kids around, cooking, cleaning and doing their laundry, helping with homework, and on an on), but somehow she doesn’t receive the credit or appreciation.  This is another, opposite cultural expectation of the stepmom, (swinging to the opposite side of the pendulum from the evil stepmother) that she should put the children first “no matter what”, denying her needs and feelings to make everything comfortable and easy for her stepkids.   If you find yourself being a stepmom in this category, who bends over backwards to “do for them” and get them to love you, you might wear yourself out with exhaustion, and find resentment building under the surface, which eventually must erupt.

I often hear women who have thrown themselves into this image of being a stepmom, whisper that their stepchildren have told them they wish she were their mom instead, or say with great satisfaction that the stepchild gets along better with her than with their real mom.  I admit to having done this on occasion too.  While it is a help for the children to have another adult resource when their relationship with their parent is unsatisfying, that sense of rivalry with the biological mother promotes an artificial relationship and will eventually create a problem of some sort – unless it can be done without the comparison, where the stepmom wants to come out “on top”.

Neither the evil stepmother or the perfect stepmom are acceptable ways of being a stepmom.  In my case, I was pretty determined to have a family that functioned well and generally got along.  I wasn’t willing to continue being seen as the evil stepmother (although I did wear that hat for a period of time – mostly putting up with sideways rejection, anger and sullenness).  I wasn’t willing to give up, accepting a distant or hostile relationship with my stepdaughter.  Nor was I willing to offer “I’ll do everything for you and give you everything you want”.  Heck, I had just come out of being a single mother for nine years, having to be both mom and dad, and I wasn’t going to get into another long-term situation of doing it all.  I had worked hard to train my son to be a “cooperative member of the household”, and I wasn’t going to give up on that plan – and I just don’t make a good doormat.
So I took a third alternative – and I am suggesting this one for other courageous souls, who are willing to get their hands dirty a bit in relationships, and who are willing to make some (occasionally ugly) mistakes along the way.  Sometimes it seemed we were going backwards instead of forwards when I told the truth about how I felt – but in the long run it would spiral up again…
This way of being a stepmom requires good communication and honesty – and lots of it.  And it must be managed in a positive way.  Most importantly, the stepcouple must understand the importance of the strength of their relationship to the success of the stepfamily.  As Susan Wisdom says in her book, Stepcoupling, the couple is the foundation and the glue of the family.  The couple must do what it takes to understand one another’s side of the conflict and work through it.  They must find a way to support one another and let the children know that both are committed to one another and making their marriage work.
And then being a stepmom is about being real.  I had to learn to express myself and to listen to the other members of the stepfamily express themselves.  Sometimes it wasn’t as pretty as I wanted it to be, and sometimes my “I” statements had a little undercurrent of attack in them.  But express I did, and I encouraged them to express too (my stepdaughter would say I got defensive when she expressed – and she’d be right).  Yet those in my stepfamily knew, deep down, that I was trying.  And I knew that they were trying too.  And gradually, we worked our way through the conflict and the ugly feelings and forged relationships that are real – and meaningful.  It took a lot of work, a lot of time, a lot of developing communication skills, and a lot of courage.  Still there are some “stepfamily growing pains” that we’ll never see eye-to-eye on.  We leave those aside, mostly now, and focus on the positive good in our relationships.
So, being a stepmom is an opportunity – in becoming stepmom, you have taken on a very complicated challenge.  It’s a challenge that can be a tremendous opportunity to learn the skills it takes to forge a real understanding with your husband, and to find the balance that’s right for you with your stepchildren.  Your family has to find its unique balance.   Throw out the stereotypes on both sides, and roll up your sleeves!

We hear lots about the “deadbeats”, but most divorced dads support their kids and want to continue being a good father.  During the separation and single parent phases, there can be a good bit of chaos as a new life is pieced together – so many aspects of life are turned upside-down by the divorce.  Finances must be re-adjusted, often a new place to live is needed, and the building of a new relationship with the children occurs.  If you are a divorced dad supporting your kids, you want to be an emotional support to them as well as a financial support.

If you have shared custody, a whole lifestyle must be built.  When your child(ren) are home with you, it can be such a challenge to develop systems and rituals for the day when you depended on their mom for much of that before.  Getting the kids up in time, providing a healthy breakfast, getting them to school, seeing about homework, laundry, dinner, and bedtime, plus paying the bills and trying to help them through this (to say the least) rough spot in their lives – it can be overwhelming!  And that’s not to mention that all the while you’re going through your own roller coaster of anger, pain, and struggle to find your own way after becoming a divorced dad – support is something you need too!

No wonder some parts of fathering get left out in the process!  Joel Schwartzberg’s book “Humoirs of a Divorced Dad” tells the story of most dads:  when the kids are there, almost anything goes:  lazy Saturdays, activities to entertain the kids, lots of TV and a diet that’s not exactly carefully designed to meet highest nutritional standards.  There’s a real tendency to do whatever the kids want to do, serve whatever the kids want to eat (as long as it’s easy!) and to generally let them control things more than they did in the first family.  Not only does this seem easier for you, but you want to be easy on them too…

Part of the reason it plays out this way is that the divorced dad’s support for his children is laced with a dose of guilt. The children are split into two separate homes, and it can be heart-breaking, since their lives are tremendously disrupted through no fault of their own.  There’s no question that this is painful for them. But there’s good reason to believe that the guilt on the part of the parent just serves to make the situation worse.

The dictionary definition of guilt is “the remorseful awareness of having done something wrong; self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing”.  Ouch.  Guilt is tricky; it’s surreptitious.   I suspect that most divorced dads supporting their children by parenting out of guilt are quite unaware that they are doing so, and have no idea of its impact on their children.  We’ll talk about that further in a bit.

Enter the phase of remarriage, as about 75% of divorced persons remarry – fathers typically much sooner than moms.  The patterns that were developed during the 
“divorced dad supporting the kids as a single dad” carry over into the stepfamily.  So many fathers shrink from disciplining their children (“They’ve been through so much, they should be able to just relax when they visit me.”)  Sounds like a sympathetic response, but it doesn’t support them in the long run.  They need a father, and they need discipline. It’s not fair to them to encourage kids to grow up without responsibility, or the training to develop maturity and sensitivity to others.  Without realizing it, the Disneyland Dad, or the divorced dad supporting children by giving them money or gifts often may be trying to buy his children’s love.

All of this has a negative impact on the stepmom and ex as well.  When dad is unwilling to step up to the role of a true father in regards to discipline and communicating with his children, then a  heavy burden falls on the woman in charge of either household.  She is forced into being the “bad guy” – this is part of how the evil stepmother myth takes hold.  She may see better what the children need, but has to either do it all herself or fight her husband to make it happen.  This can lead to a great deal of conflict in the stepfamily home and in their mom’s home.  (Many a child has returned to the mom exhausted from all the activities, no homework done, out of the habit of being expected to do chores, and unready to start the week ahead at school.)

If you find yourself walking on tiptoes around your children, afraid to hurt their feelings, give meaningful feedback, or ask for anything from them, this is a clear indication that there are undealt-with feelings in the way!  One of the biggest parts of being a parent is modeling, and teaching, character development.  If you want to be a divorced dad supporting your children in a meaningful way, recognize that some conflict, disagreement and discussion are part of a normal and healthy relationship.  If you avoid this whole side of the relationship, it will never be as full or satisfying as it could be.  To get beyond a superficial relationship, and to teach your children how to deal with relationship issues effectively, you’re going to have to “get your hands dirty”.

The fallout for your remarriage with children is huge.  One of the biggest complaints the wife in a stepcouple makes is the lack of support she has from her husband in her dealings with his children.  Unfortunately, a father who is unaware of the guilt that is motivating him, tends to blame his wife for not understanding.  This will start to build a wall between the stepcouple, as well as between her and the stepchildren, as they will side with the dad against their having more responsibility and structure.  In the long run, it will result in resentment of the dad against the children, in relationships that are less than they could be, and in grown children who are unprepared to meet their responsibilities and relationships maturely.
The statistics for divorce in remarriages with children are about 50% higher than in remarriages without children.  The complications are greater, and the disagreements about the children, if not worked out, can spell the end of the stepfamily.  Then what are your children learning, and going through?  Two divorces can tear down their foundation of security, and set them up for an inability to get their own adult relationships through the inevitable rough points.

Divorced dads, support your children in a way that will strengthen them for their future!  Be a father who teaches them how to develop their strengths and become all they can be – not one who puts them in a mode of constant “taking”.  And give your marriage the attention it deserves; give your wife (their stepmom) support, and work out the discipline and the structure of your household together as a team.

In a stepfamily, it’s good to recognize that some of the experiences we go through are fairly universal … Most of us have felt the pain  at some time of being the outsider:  rebuffed by a friend in grade school in favor of a new “best friend”,  the last one picked on a sports team, not being in the “in crowd” in junior high or high school, or finding out about the party you weren’t invited to.  If you’ve had one of those experiences, likely you can still remember that sharp pain of feeling left out or rejected.  Yes, that stinging pain in the pit of your stomach.  Well, that’s what it can feel like when you marry a person with children, and start a stepfamily.

It’s a natural reaction to want to overcome that feeling of rejection and isolation by trying to become an insider.  But if a new stepparent tries to force his or her way into the family, it’s likely to result in real disappointment, and can easily backfire.  The best course of action is to go slow, to build a connection with the stepchildren over time.  Be patient and don’t add too much pressure to the situation – developing a stepfamily is really more like cooking a meal in a crockpot as opposed to a blender! (Anyway, most experts agree that the ideal of “blended family” is a myth.)  If possible, relax into your role, and don’t expect too much too soon.

So what is the appropriate role of the stepparent?  That’s a complex question, actually – and each family needs to find their own way.  It is important that the children see the couple as a unit, as the two heads of the household.  The couple needs to show their strength, and in subtle ways communicate to the children that this union is here to stay.   Until this happens, children are likely not to let the stepparent in, and will sometimes do whatever they can to create problems in that new relationship.  And anyone who is in a stepfamily recognizes the power of the children to do that!

But that doesn’t mean that the stepparent should jump into the role of parent.  You may as well know, early on, that you will never become a true parent to the child or children.  You cannot create that biological bond – relatedness does matter.  And the more involved the other parent is in their life, the more your role needs to differ from that of the parent.

What are some of the approaches that work best?

1.  Focus first on forging a warm and friendly interaction style with the stepchildren.  Listen to them, get to know them, and focus more on joining in family activities as opposed to seeking one-on-one activities with the stepchild, unless they initiate them.  Let the child guide the level of closeness they are willing to accept.

2.  The attitudes and actions of the biological parent are crucial here.  This is the person that has the power to invite the step-parent into the fold, as the children will follow the cue of their parent.  So if the children ignore, or worse yet, are rude and disrespectful to the step parent, and their own parent lets them get away with this behavior, the stepfamily has far less of a chance of working.  In this case, the stepparent is in for a nearly impossible struggle.

3.  The couple needs to agree on a set of rules for the home and expectations for the children’s behavior.  Without some structure in the home (since the new family does not automatically have one), there can be a general feeling of anxiety in the home.  And the lack of structure is a breeding-ground for misunderstanding, resentment, and conflict, because of unclarified expectations.  This structure should be communicated to the children by the couple.  Once this new structure starts to gel, children begin to feel more secure and much stress is alleviated in the home.

4.  The lead role in discipline and authority needs to be taken by the biological parent, who also needs to back up the stepparent in carrying out the agreement for the structure that has been set up by the two of them.  Early in stepfamily life, the stepparent is best seen the way a child would view a coach or camp counselor:  one who provides instruction and follows through with rules, but does not take over the role of the parent.

5.  Becoming more of an insider may then occur as everyone settles into their roles and accepts the stepfamily.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, though:  experts say that it takes seven to ten years for a stepfamily to complete the development process.  And depending on a number of factors, the relationship between the stepparent and stepchildren may never become as warm and accepting as you would like.

So, in the meantime, take care of yourself.  You will likely need some time to renew yourself, with other interests and friends where you do feel like an insider.  Adjusting your expectations and realizing that you’re not “supposed” to feel like an insider can help.  And it might be very helpful to do what’s necessary to deal with your feelings of rejection – otherwise, they can cause a boomerang effect in the home, as your unhappiness will affect others.  Your upset about it can sour relationships that could otherwise begin to bloom.  A breakthrough session can help you to process what’s underneath your feeling of alienation; sometimes it’s amplified by some old hurt that is still there even though you might not remember it.  And just being grateful for the good moments, the unexpected connections and fun times, can go a long way to beginning to shift your focus and help you enjoy what is good about being a stepparent in your home.

In her book Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin talks about two “default” positions for stepmothers- which of these cultural expectations do you identify yourself with?  The first is the evil stepmother, who may have started out as a perfectly reasonable and well-meaning woman, but paraphrasing Martin’s book, “when faced with the difficulties of stepfamily life- rejecting stepchildren, unsupportive husbands and friends – are likely to feel like failures and internalize notions about stepmothers being cruel, uncaring, insensitive and ignorant about children”.  The strength of the cultural myths, the actions of stepchildren and biological moms who are emotionally invested in seeing the stepmother this way, can tip the balance so that early attempts at success in the new stepfamily go awry.  Unfortunately, without some intervention from somewhere, this negative cycle can continue downward until chances of good relationships are slim to none.  And it’s pretty hard to imagine this not having a serious negative impact on the marriage the stepmother is in – not to mention her level of general well-being!

The second cultural expectation for the stepmom discussed in Stepmonster is exactly the opposite:  this is the stepmom who puts the children first “no matter what”, who denies her needs and feelings to make everything comfortable and easy for her stepkids, who bends over backwards to “do for them” and get them to love her.  I often hear women who have thrown themselves into this image of stepmom, whisper that their stepchildren have told them they wish she were their mom instead, or say with great satisfaction that the stepchild gets along better with her than with their real mom.  I admit to having done this on occasion too.  While it is a help for the children to have another adult resource and friend when their relationship with their parent is unsatisfying, it still smacks of rivalry with the biological mother and promotes an artificial relationship (the stepmom, no matter how wonderful, will never be a replacement for the mother).  And, I wonder to what extent this is healthy for the children, or for the stepmom whose stuffed feelings might eventually result in health problems and built-up resentment that can blow up down the road, creating havoc in her life, her marriage, and other relationships.

In Stepmonster, Martin does an exceptional job at looking for better approaches than one of the two above.  I didn’t find either of these default positions acceptable, either – the first one leads to unhappiness of one sort, and the other – well, to unhappiness of another sort.  I was pretty determined to have a family that functioned well and generally got along.  I wasn’t willing to continue being seen as the evil stepmother (although I did wear that hat for a period of time – mostly putting up with sideways rejection, anger and sullenness).  I wasn’t willing to give up, accepting a distant or hostile relationship with my stepdaughter.  Nor was I willing to offer “I’ll do everything for you and give you everything you want”.  Heck, I had just come out of being a single mother for nine years, having to be both mom and dad, and I wasn’t going to get into another long-term situation of doing it all.  I had worked hard to train my son to be a “cooperative member of the household”, and I wasn’t going to give up on that plan – and I just don’t make a good doormat.

So I took a third alternative – and I am suggesting this one for other courageous souls, who are willing to get their hands dirty a bit in relationships, and who are willing to make some (occasionally ugly) mistakes along the way.  Sometimes it seemed we were going backwards instead of forwards when I told the truth about how I felt – but in the long run it would spiral up again…

Underneath it all, I had a lurking suspicion:  that myself as stepmom, my stepdaughter, her biological mom, my husband and my son – were all human beings… human beings that had their own emotional patterns as part of this tangled web, yes.  But also human beings that respond when spoken to genuinely and with a positive motive.  Human beings who respond when truly listened to.  Human beings who have to get their messy feelings out before they could stand on even ground and get to acceptance.  Human beings who have an innate capacity to negotiate, to understand that everyone might have a valid perspective (perhaps not reasonable, but valid for them).  And human beings who really do want happiness and harmony, down deep; and last but not least, human beings who want to be loved and have the capacity to love.

And so I did what I could to be real.  Sometimes it wasn’t as pretty as I wanted it to be, and sometimes my “I” statements had a little undercurrent of attack in them.  But express I did, and encouraged them to express too (my stepdaughter would say I got defensive when she expressed – and she’d be right).  Yet those in my stepfamily knew, deep down, that I was trying.  And I knew (in any case I took the position) that they were trying too.  And gradually, we worked our way through the conflict and the ugly feelings and forged relationships that are real – and meaningful.  It took a lot of work, a lot of time, a lot of developing communication skills, and a lot of courage.  Still there are some “stepfamily growing pains” that we’ll never see eye-to-eye on.  We leave those aside, mostly now, and focus on the positive and on encouraging what’s good in our relationships.

There’s so much conflict in the world at this juncture.  So many ethnic groups and nations are warring, that we wonder if peace can ever be a goal for this earth.  The earth is, after all, made up of millions of individual households – and each one is a microcosm of the whole.  And it’s not surprising, in this time of complexity, that the family structure has become so complicated as well.  But if we’re not willing to tackle the relationship blocks and miscommunications under our own roofs, if we’re not willing to do what it takes to break through the predictable misunderstandings of stepfamily life, how can we expect the Israelis and Palestinians to ever see each other’s perspective?

Dr. Lofas, founder of Stepfamily Foundation, tells a story about her high school days, in which she moved around quite a bit throughout Europe. She went to school in France, Germany and Great Britain. In each of those countries, she studied the history of World War II. You can imagine how different the perspectives were! To try and make sense of it, at one point she wrote a paper attempting to integrate the different approaches. However, her broader view was not well accepted – she got a low mark on the paper, with an angry comment that she had not followed the instructions for the assignment.

Since she was the child of divorced parents who saw the divorce from completely opposite angles, and who were continuing to blame one another, the above history lesson turned out to be a huge learning for her. It taught her that each of us has a different reality, and that it is nearly impossible to find the “Truth” in any one perspective.

In the case of my stepfamily, it seemed that my husband’s ex lived on a completely different planet than we did. We absolutely could not figure out how she came up with the ideas she had, or what she was so angry about. On the other hand, while we knew we were doing our best to raise our children (each had one biological child and one step child), from her perspective we didn’t know how to parent. On and on it went for a long time. The bitterness and pain on both sides often created a wedge between me and my husband, and tore my stepdaughter’s life in two. Of course she loved both of her parents. But she was on a schedule where she was shuttled back and forth several times a week between two homes – more like two realites, even two planets.

The stepmom is very brave to take on the role she does… she “steps” into the role of female head of household, when there’s already a female in the top role in the lives of the children – in the “other home” where the child lives. In order to manage her home well, and for her family to function together, she must fulfill her role and responsibility to the home and family. Yet the children often do not accept her authority – especially if it is rejected by the children’s biological mother. In that case, she’s in a precarious situation, and really needs the support of her husband or partner to bring her inside the family and give her a position of power along with his.

The biological mom – the “ex” – is in a difficult place as well. Until the new wife entered the situation, her authority in her single-parent home was unchallenged, and her perspective may be the only one her children accepted. Her relationship with her children may have become somewhat symbiotic – after all, it’s really hard for one person to fully be both mother and father. Anyway, the close bond she has with her children seems threatened by this interloper – who has the gumption to come in and take over the role she used to have with her children’s father (sometimes even in her own home)!  In her need to be “right”, it’s very difficult for her to accept the changes in the way things are done in their dad’s home.

The green-eyed monster that afflicts both of the women in the stepfamily system (of which both the stepmom and the ex-wife are a part), often affects them both unconsciously. Whatever we see, we tend to use as evidence for our beliefs. And since the two women can be strongly motivated to compare favorably in the children’s eyes over the “other”, each one can only see the faults of the other. And whatever we focus upon grows. And as bad behavior or comments occur, each one grows in dislike or contempt for the other, fueling more bad behavior and contempt, and a vicious cycle ensues. Both are in tough spots! And while it is critical that the father take a strong position supporting his wife, the stepmom, he can feel pretty stuck in the middle between a rock and a hard space.

Thankfully, we worked our way through this in our stepfamily.  There’s a quote by Abe Lincoln that I took to heart:  “Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?”  I decided to implement this with my husband’s ex; I continued to treat her as a friend as much as I could, I smiled at her when she looked right through me, I was as civil to her as I could manage to be no matter how she spoke… It took awhile, but it was well worth the effort. As soon as things opened up in communication between me and my husband’s ex, my stepdaughter started feeling measurably better. And the years that ensued, with good co-parenting, saw her really come into her own – her confidence in herself and her happiness with her life continued to improve, and still does. Now I can proudly claim his ex as my friend – and I would venture to say she feels the same way about me. It’s hard to express the satisfaction that that brings!

The bad news is this: for both the stepmom and the ex-wife, the more they play this game, the more they hurt the children. My podcast, available through the catalog on my blog, explains in detail how this works.  Jacqueline Fletcher’s book “No One’s the Bitch” should be read by all stepmoms and bio-moms.  All the research shows that children are powerfully affected by divorce, but that their best chance to grow up with minimal effects is in the situation where co-parenting occurs. That means that both parents put aside their differences, and work together for the good of their children. Every child deserves the opportunity to have a positive and loving relationship with both parents. Who would argue that the formula for growing up whole, confident and secure, with the best chance for a healthy relationship in the future, includes this? And since you can’t do anything to un-do the divorce, especially after a remarriage, that includes two happy homes.

Back to the two realities or perspectives of the stepmom and biological mom: what would it take for them understand that they are on the same team? That they are both part of a partnership with the aim of raising happy, healthy children? How much would it take to open the eyes of one, to see the other as a human being, going through her own trials and difficulties, and doing the best that she can? Or at least to see that each one’s reality might, just might, have its own validity. There is an old saying, that if you ever were able to see from inside another’s reality, you would never want to switch places with them, nor would you be so quick to judge again.

Wishful thinking? I hope it’s not. Just in case you’re interested in opening your perspective – watch for further articles on letting go of grudges, and on opening yourself to another’s perspective.